The Definition of Insanity
by Mr.CakeandRice
Summary: Have I ever told you the definition of Insanity? It is doing the same fucking thing, over and over and over and over again. Heh, maybe I fucking crazy then, but there are all these asshats that think they are the kings. That they had their fingers in the pussy tree. But down here, I rule.
1. Chapter 1

Death. Death was not an unusual thing to Vaas. He saw it every day and reveled in it. It was his way of life. He killed those who opposed him. He killed those who disobeyed him. He killed those he just didn't like. He was dead now. Killed by the hands of Jason Brody.

_How the FUCK was he not dead. Fuck, I had five different chances to kill him and I didn't take it._

The dark veil that surrounded his vision wasn't clearing. Was this hell? Was this his imagination? Was this reality? Vaas didn't know. The pain from his injuries didn't hurt anymore. All he felt was the cold, icy grasp of death. Death was supposed to be something that man feared, however Vaas was no ordinary man. He was motherfucking Vaas and that made a most arguments invalid. He didn't fear death.

The voices in his head didn't stop, his thoughts continued. Something that was strange. When you die, you are supposed to stop breathing and everything else that makes you alive. So why did he still think?

The void started to smelled similar to the jungle in the less inhabited part of the island. The sound of birds singing overhead and animals foraging in the underbrush filled his ears. Slowly, he started to feel his hands and feet waking back up. His mouth was dry and tasted of blood. His entire body ached as if he had done a lap around his island with wet boots. He started to breath again, the fresh air burning his lungs as they started to function again.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. The sun was blinding to him for a spell. Eventually, he was able to fully open his eyes. True enough, his other senses were right. He was in the middle of a different kind of jungle. The vegetation was thicker here and the sun had some difficulty reaching the ground.

Vaas tried to stand, but his legs were having trouble obeying him. _Come on you lazy pieces of shit, make me stand up._ With some difficulty, he managed to bring himself to his stomach. His arms, which were as sore as his legs, were assisting in the task of bringing himself to his knees. The process included a lot of swearing, empty promises of rewards, and threats of removal, but the task was done. He now stood at his six foot tall height.

"Okay, I need some water."

Vaas went for his canteen and pulled it out. He undid the cap and found that it was empty when it had been full before. Now pissed off, he threw his canteen at the nearest tree as hard as he could.

"YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE WATER?!"

He stewed in his rage for a few minutes before walking over and pick it back up. He was in an unknown environment and getting pissy wasn't the solution.

"Okay okay okay. I need to get water, food, and a place to sleep for now. Once that is over, I can figure out where the fuck I am."

He quickly checked his gear. It consisted of a 1911 with two extra full mags, a knife, two lighters, an empty canteen, and the phone he took from Jason during his first night.

With his gear checked, his destination unknown, and his needs still needing to be attended to, Vaas set off into the forest.

**Two hours later**

The past few hours had been a complete waste of time. Vaas was unable to find any edible game or a stream of any kind. Shelter was the only thing he found in the form of a cave. Needless to say, the impatient man was extremely pissed off.

"Arrgh. You stupid fucking jungle. I am going to fucking BURN YOUR ASS TO THE FUCKING GROUND!"

In order to burn off some of his pent-up rage, he pulled out his pistol and fired three rounds blindly into the forest. Apparently he hit something because an animal cried out in pain.

"Huh, why didn't I do that before?"

He started out in search for the animal that he shot. It didn't take very long before he found a dead deer with a bullet hole the size of a bottle cap in it's neck.

"It's about fucking time."

Vaas wasted no time in gutting the deer and stuffing it into his haversack. However, the repercussions of firing his gun lead other predators to his position.

He heard the sound of the brush behind him and pulled up his .45 once again. There was no way in hell that he was going to loose his meal to...a bunny? A small rabbit hopped out of the underbrush and sniffed the air.

"The fuck are you supposed to be?"

The rabbit glared at him as if to accuse him of something wrong.

Vaas was going to blast the rabbit for giving him that weird look, but there was more movement in the bushes. Vaas took this time to jump up into a low hanging tree and wait.

"Oh Angel, I was worried about you. You should know better than to go into the Everfree Forest by yourself."

_Who the fuck is talking? What is this 'Everfree Forest' it is talking about? And what the fuck is a forest?_ Vaas tried to move to get a better view of what was talking, but to no avail.

"What is that smell? Why is that deer...o-oh my."

The person talking came into view. To Vaas's surprise, it was not a person, but a pony. A yellow pony the size of a Saint Bernard with a pink mane and...wings?

_The fuck is that?_

The pony-thing started to cry. It sputtered on and on about the dead deer. Vaas got tired of this pretty quick and did the most sensible thing to a man who based his life around being non-sensible. He dropped down from the tree and landed the six foot drop on his feet. Before the pony could react, he kicked it in the head, knocking it out. The rabbit tried to kick his boot, but it was doing nothing. Vaas was annoyed by this and kicked him away.

"Okay, I don't know what the fuck you are, but you look expensive. And I like expensive things. I think I'll keep you until I get a good price for you."

He finished gutting the deer and picked up the pony. And with that, he set on his journey back to his cave.


	2. Party of Two

Vaas was dehydrated. He hadn't had anything to drink all day and carrying his prey and meal was difficult. The pony was heavy, about 150 pounds. While Vaas had carried fully grown men in body armor a couple times, he also had water. His only break was that it would be night soon and the temperature would go down.

"At least it's only about a quarter mile to the cave, cause I'm fucking pissed off and hungry."

He covered the last stretch in only a couple minutes. Once inside, he dumped his 'precious' cargo against the cave wall. He sat down and started to build a fire deeper in the cave while humming 'Do You Believe in Magic' to himself. It took some effort and a lot of swearing, but he was able to get a fire going.

"Okay, now it's time to tie up this bitch."

He turned his attention back to the yellow pony on the cave floor. He set to work using some vines to hogtie the pony and to bind her wings to her body.

"Hmm, she could still run away in the night. Oh well, if she does that then I'll blast that bitch back to the stone age."

Vaas subconsciously went for his canteen again. When he brought it up to his lips again, he remembered that he was out of water.

"YOU STUPID FUCKING CANTEEN, I'LL RAPE YOU WITH A FUCKING FLAMETHROWER!"

He threw it deeper into the cave. When he expected to here a crack from hitting a rock, he heard a splash.

"What the fuck?"

Now curious, Vaas went further into the cave to where he had thrown it. Sure enough, there was a stream. Vaas just stared at the stream for about three seconds before plunging his head straight into it. He took in as much water as he could. Only once his thirst for water had been quenched did he remove his head.

His victory was short lived as his canteen floated down the stream, unnoticed by the psychopath. His thirst now under control, he turned his attention to the fire at the mouth of the cave.

Vaas wasn't a cook by any means. He had people to do that for him. What deer he had taken with him would never turn into a five star dish. Rather it would stay a measly two star dinner that was edible, if only because it was cooked. He prepared what he had and started to roast it. The smell made his stomach growl in ravenous hunger. Even if this meal wasn't anything better than decent, it would be the best one Vaas had had in a while.

While the fire slow-cooked the deer, Vaas's attention turned to the pony he had captured.

"Seriously, what the fuck are you. And do you taste good?"

Vass started to drool at the prospect of devouring his first pony. If he was back on his island, he would've had Sanchez make something gourmet out of her. Ribs probably with that special barbecue sauce. The one with the snake venom and tiger blood in it.

It took some soft sobbing to make Vaas snap out of his stupor. That damn pony had finally woken up.

"It's about fucking time you woke up. Now me and you are going to get to know each other a little better."

The pony didn't respond. It opted to continue to cry to itself.

"HEY! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU!"

The pony cried louder.

Vaas was getting sick of the lack of attention.

"Okay, I'm sorry for yelling at you. Lets try this again..." He grabbed the pony by the throat and pinned it against the wall so it's head was facing his. "Better? Good, lets talk. You can start by telling me what the fuck you are?"

The pony tried to speak, but no words came out.

"Do you need help to speak up. Don't worry, I can fix that..." Vaas let the pony go and shuffled over to the deer leg he was roasting. Pulling out his knife, he cut a piece off and took it back over to where the pony was crying.

"I know that we got off on the wrong foot, so lets start over..." He once again grabbed the pony and pinned her against the wall. He used his hands to force her mouth open. Once it realized what Vaas was going to do, it struggled with all it's might. Unfortunately, it wasn't that much. Once it's mouth was open, he shoved the piece of meat down the pony's throat and clamped it's mouth down. The near raw meat wouldn't have tasted good anyway and Vaas read in a book somewhere that ponies can't eat meat. He thought this plan was ingenious. And it was. The pony was forced to swallow the piece so it could breathe.

Vaas removed his hand from the pony's nostril and said. "See, now look at what you made me do. If you had just answered the simple question."

It's sobbing was increasing from the act it just performed. This pissed Vaas off so he back-handed the pony, hard. It's sobbing was stopped for a couple of seconds before continuing again.

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I?"

It muttered something.

"SPEAK UP YOU FUCKING CUNT!"

t-the Everfree F-forest

"I'm sorry, could you say that again.

"T-the Everfree F-forest"

That didn't help Vaas at all. If anything, it was just information that he already knew. "Who and what are you?"

"I-i'm F-fluttershy. I-i'm a pegasus p-pony."

"What the fuck is a pegasus pony."

He didn't get an answer. The meat had finally gotten to it's stomach and the pony wretched up all of the contents of said stomach. All over Vaas.

They both just stared at where Fluttershy had just puked. This staring lasted for a couple of seconds before Vaas's rage caught up with himself. In order to sate it temporarily, he decked the pony in the head, knocking her out once again.

"Fucking pony, FUCKING DYING, **FUCKING BRODY**,** FUCK YOU JASON BRODY!**


	3. Kindness

Vaas didn't sleep well that night. His dreams were plagued with his death and this strange new world. They didn't scare him at all, but there was one peculiar one. A pony with a horn and wings visited his dreams. It spoke of repentance and directions to some sort of town. It was called 'Ponyville', the most cliche name Vaas had heard in a very very long time. The pony that spoke to him called herself Luna and she said that his resistance would be met with hostility. They were coming for him and they wouldn't stop until he was subdued or came peacefully.

Naturally, this put him on a slight edge. He didn't fear these ponies, but they had numbers and they could visit his dreams. They could read his mind and know where he was and what he was about to do if he let his guard down. Vaas wasn't happy about this, he needed answers, and he knew a pony to reveal them.

Fluttershy had similar dreams from her unconsciousness, but when Luna visited them, she had told Fluttershy to play along and that help would be there by morning.

Vaas may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was one of the most versatile. His instinct told him to wake up before dawn in order to get a head start on his soon to be assailants. He still doubted the strength of them and he needed to flee fast and far just to be on the safe side.

With the remains of the fire still warm from the recent addition of fuel, Vaas readied himself for the journey into the unknown. But first, he required intelligence as to where he was going. He kicked the pony until it woke. It let out a small squeak of alarm and frailty. It didn't matter to Vaas, all he wanted was his answers.

"Tell me, is there a place called, ugh, Ponyville?"

The pony was barely audible with it's confirmation.

"What is it like?"

"I-its a peaceful town w-where nothing bad e-ever happens."

_Nothing bad until I go there._ Vaas thought.

"Good." Vaas grabbed Fluttershy by her bindings and drug her out of the cave forcefully. Every little movement caused the pony pain as she was pulled through the forest on a mad rush to get out of Dodge.

Vaas seemed to be far stronger than he was yesterday, or it was his urgent need to leave that gave speed to his haste. His new found strength didn't go unnoticed either. Vaas was curious as to what caused this, but his concentration was broken by the crying pony he was dragging.

Fluttershy wasn't doing anything but being drug around on the ground for the past thirty minutes and it was rubbing her raw. Her coat was matted and tear-stained. The psychological effects of being kidnapped and being forced to eat meat was getting to her. Her body had shut down and she didn't know what to do besides cry. Her crying was having an effect though; it was pissing off Vaas. Vaas was known to have a very random temper and depending on what was happening and his mood, it could last a couple of seconds or hours. This was one of those times that it wasn't that long.

He stopped in the middle of the forest, turned to Fluttershy and said "Shut the fuck up you stupid cunt."

Fluttershy only knew what the word 'fuck' meant, but she got the idea. It still didn't stop her from crying, but it was the thought that counted. She tried to stop the tear flow, but the waterworks were far to strong for that to happen. Vaas didn't care that she was trying, it wasn't enough to matter.

"Fine, I see how it it. I'm trying to be a nice guy and take you with me, but you just can't accept my generous gift. I won't bother you anymore with my presence."

Vaas turned around and started to walk away from the tied up pony, only for her to cry even harder. He went through the brush for several yards before silently coming back and climbing a tree overlooking the pony.

_It's only a matter of time before those fuckers find her._

**Several hours later.**

Vaas was about to give up hope of letting the guards come to him. The sun was now high in the sky with the birds chirping happily away. He was about to climb down when the movement of metal caught his ear. Something armored was moving fast towards his position.

In a couple of seconds, a half dozen armored ponies broke through the shrubbery and surrounded Fluttershy. Most of them looked exactly alike with only a few small differences like eye color. The sixth one was the only one of significant difference. Like the others around it, it had a horn on it's head and was much bigger than those around it. The armor it wore was a purplish hue while the others wore a golden set. This was probably a symbol of rank on the battlefield so officers were easily distinguishable from the regular infantry.

Vaas was soon proven right by it speaking up in a masculine voice, obviously male by it's voice. Soon after, four of the six ponies spread out and formed a permiter and the commander and a subordinate, probably a medic, approached Fluttershy. The captain started undoing her bonds while the other one asked her questions.

After a couple of minutes, the underling clearly wasn't getting any answers and just asked her to follow them to safety. She asked Fluttershy to follow them back to town, to which Fluttershy nodded her head.

_It's about fucking time._

Vaas watched as the soldiers marched out of the clearing with Fluttershy in the center. Once they had a twenty second head start, Vaas started after them. Eventually, Vaas saw what appeared to be an animal trail. Not really needing to follow them anymore, he went off in search of food.

**That Night**

Fluttershy was being escorted home from the hospital by one of the guards. They enjoyed the silence that being together made.

The guard was one of the pegasi that Fluttershy had gone to flight school with and once had a crush on. The guard in question had, as is tradition, a white coat and blue eyes and mane. What separated him from the others is his smaller, lighter frame that made him the runt of all pegasi. Naturally, that brought the two together. At some point, unknown to Fluttershy, he had tried to sum up the courage to ask her to a dance, but she moved to Ponyville and had never seen her again.

"Fluttershy," The guard started. "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time now and..."

Fluttershy smiled at the nervous stallion "It's okay Sky, you don't need to be afraid of me."

"I know, it's just," the stallion sighed. "For a long time, I've regretted not doing this before and I need to tell you.

Fluttershy looked curiously at Sky. "Tell me what Sky? I won't hate you, I promise."

Sky bit his lip trying to find the right words, but he pulled a blank. So he did the ballsiest thing in his life. He bent his head over and kissed her.

Fluttershy was shocked by this and initially wanted to pull away, but after a second she gave in.

Once they separated, they both looked at the ground out of nervousness. Sky because that was his first kiss and he was ridiculously and Fluttershy because it was her first kiss and she was ridiculously shy.

"I-I'm sorry Fluttershy, I'll leave now." Sky started to turn away, but something grabbed his foreleg. When he turned around, Fluttershy was holding him still with a smile on her face and a bright blush to go with it.

"It's okay, you can stay if you want to."

"I'd like-"_BANG_

A gunshot erupted the conversation as Sky felt the blood circulation to his brain stop. Vaas had seen the whole thing and had decided to interrupt the little moment they had together. Fluttershy stared in horror as her childhood crush fell to the ground and started to bleed everywhere. Her mind tried to wrap around what had just happened and not what Vaas was saying at the time. She tried to stop the bleeding with her hooves, but the blood kept flowing and she was forced to watch the life drain from Sky's eyes. Only once they closed forever did she listen to Vaas.

"-Run now. Why aren't you running? GET OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE CHICKEN SHIT!"

Fluttershy was forced to stand up and start running away from this psychopath as he chased her back into the Everfree Forest.


	4. Chapter 4

Fluttershy fled into the dark, dank forest known as the Everfree. As she ran, she could feel branches of the foliage scrape across her coat and other things matting to her once pristine, now bloodstained, coat. Her eyes were barely open as she ran and cried at the same time. The tears would occasionally wipe some of the blood away from fur. Even if she could open her eyes fully, it would do little good due to the little light there was and everything seemed even more menacing to the small pegasus.

She ran and ran, losing her sense of direction in only a matter of minutes. Sure she had seen some messed up stuff during Discord's escape and once again at the wedding. She had seen death before. Of animals and pets that she tended to was the most of it. An occasional family member whose time came naturally made Fluttershy sad, but she understood that nopony lived forever.

But this, this was new. She had heard of war in the past and that they were often violent, but there hadn't been one in the past three hundred years. The thought of taking another's life was inconceivable to her, especially an innocent. What she saw was something that hadn't been seen in Equestria in over a thousand years. The cold blooded murder of her close friend was impossible for her to rationalize. There was no point to it. What frightened her worse was how easy this monster made it seem. He laughed as she tried to save her friend, she remembered that much.

And now she had this madman chasing her with the intent to brutally murder her and there was nopony in between the two.

She eventually needed a slight break. When she stopped to catch her breath, it dawned on her that she didn't have a clue what to do. Survival was something new to her, or anypony in Ponyville. Survival, like any task, required the appropriate skills to survive in any environment. Skills that Fluttershy didn't have. She mentally cursed herself that she hadn't gone camping with Applejack more. Even if she had though, there never was any life-threatening danger.

The situation came crashing down on Fluttershy and the gravity of failure. To lose this game meant a fate worse than death. The monster pursuing her wouldn't rest until she submitted and embraced her death. What she didn't know was that that wasn't at all what Vaas wanted. His reasons and methods were still unknown to her.

Fluttershy had to keep moving and she knew it. Thoughts could come once she had established a safe area. So she ran as if her life depended on it.

* * *

Shining Armor had an exceptionally lazy day at the office. The day had been full of some paperwork and a couple of forms to sign, but nothing too strenuous. Well except when he got hit in the back of the head with a book that a pegasus decided to throw at him. That was strange. Other than that, the only exceptionally strenuous thing that he had planned to do was his wife that night.

He was finishing packing up for the night when a knock on the door sounded.

Shining let out a small sigh, "come in."

A solar guard private by the name of Pansy came into his office. Once he shut the door, he threw up a smart salute, "sir I have a message for you."

_A message? Good, it must be from the search and rescue mission._ "Don't just stand there, tell me already."

"Sir, I was told to to summon you to the throne room."

Shining sighed even louder this time and had to stop himself from facehoofing. "You could have just told me that the princess wanted to see me."

"Sir, that would have been disrespectful of your rank."

_Damn recruits, the only thing they do will is annoy me with all their formalities._ "Dismissed."

The private threw up another salute before turning around sharply and removing himself from the room.

Shining sighed. "Well then, I better see what she wants."

**Fast forward ten minutes because the author is too lazy to write about the walk to the throne room.**

Shining opened the huge double doors to the throne room in an over-dramatic fashion to express is annoyance at being summoned right when he was about to leave. Of course, Celestia didn't seem to notice it or care. The solar princess radiated the brilliance and beauty of the Sun that stunned those who wished to bask in it. Shining was immune due to his days of close proximity to the princess.

He gave a respectful bow to the princess before rising. "You summoned me?"

Celestia kept her poker face, making it impossible to tell what she wanted easily. "Yes, I have a task for you. One of great importance to the safety of Equestria and your sister's."

Shining Armor's ears perked up at the mention of Twilight. "What is the trouble, princess?"

Celestia looked to the attendants. "Leave us."

Within minutes, the throne room was empty save for the princess and the captain. "Shining Armor, I won't keep you any longer than I have to so let me get straight to the point."

Shining held his silence.

"Yesterday afternoon, a being was discovered in the Everfree forest. It's origins are unknown, but from what we were able to gather, it is...unstable. It has a violent temper and an intelligence that is far above average."

Shining's face held confusion. "Princess, what do you mean unstable, and what average intelligence?"

Celestia still held that same facial expression. "Its intelligence is above average for a pony, which means its sentient. What I meant by unstable is that it is completely insane."

"Then why is this a threat to Equestria? It is still in the Everfree right?"

"Yes it is still in the Everfree, but it abducted the Element of Kindness and while we're still waiting for the medical report, our first impressions tell us that she was harmed far more than physically. We were able to rescue Fluttershy and she is to be escorted at all times. Her cottage is to be under constant surveillance. What I want from you is to assemble a team and track this animal down. I would prefer it alive, but if that proves too difficult, then dead will do just fine."

Shining's face was stone, his determination as strong as tempered steel. "Just point me in the right direction."

* * *

Vaas was having the time of his life. He had some scared little pony running from him into the forest, thinking that he was chasing her. He shot it's boyfriend thing and laughed as she tried to save him. The pony was crying all over the place and ran right where he wanted her to.

Now, he had access to her house that she was stupid enough to lead him to. Vaas had all the food and water he needed. The local waterlines kept him hydrated, the local wildlife kept him fed. Sure they weren't that filling, but Vaas wasn't too keen on the idea of eating hay. He was finally able to kick back and relax for a while, at least until they found the body.

His fun ended when there was a knock on the door. Vaas stopped doing what he was doing and started to gather his stuff, figuring that it was the fuzz. There was more frantic knocking. followed by a voice "Fluttershy, open up. This is Lieutenant Steel of the Canterlot Royal Guard. Open the door."

Vaas smiled as he prepped his grenade. He was sitting at the top of the staircase, waiting for the door to open. An eternity happened before the door came down.

A second later, Vaas threw the grenade through the now open door and into the crowd that had gathered outside the door. Oblivious to the danger, a couple of the guards were distracted by what they thought was a rock. Lieutenant Steel was the first through the door and the only one too see Vaas grinning at him. They stared at each other for two seconds before an explosion shook them out of the staring contest.

Steel dropped to the ground from the concussive force of the grenade and glanced back up at Vaas only to see him running away. He tried to stand, but there was something in his leg. He looked at it to see a shard of the broken door about the size of his horn sticking out of his back-left leg, leaving him out of commission for the next while.

Vaas for his part, sprinted through a back room and jumped out of the two story window and intercepted a pegasus guard in the air. Using the guard to soften his landing, Vaas hit the ground with the pegasus under him. He smiled as he quickly drew his knife and shoved it through the undercarriage of the guard's mouth and into his brain. The guard died immediately and Vaas withdrew the knife milliseconds later.

Now with the local authorities well known to his presence, he ran into the Everfree. The last, best refuge for criminal scum.


	5. Chapter 5

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

Shining Armor was in a terrible mood. First, his wife decided that she wasn't in the mood for him. He was looking forward to that night all day and it was viciously taken away from him. A true crime if he'd ever seen one. Second, he couldn't get to sleep because the mission was on his mind. Normally it wouldn't have been a big deal, but his sister was close to the danger zone. Third, Luna visited him in his sleep. Again not normally a big deal; it was just that the news that she brought was bad. Luna told him that the majority of the forces guarding the Element of Kindness were wounded or killed. Including Lieutenant Steel, a recruit from his days as a Sargent. The only good thing that Luna brought was the roster of operatives that she recommended for his team. Most currently resided in Ponyville, but a few were in the surrounding countryside and cities.

The first on his list was supposed to be the team's engineer, a Mr. Whooves. Why Luna insisted that the team needed one Shining didn't know. There wasn't much on the guy, just that he was a brown Earth Pony with a brown mane and blue eyes. His cutie mark was an hourglass, a fairly common one that had been registered on multiple ponies. Rumor had it that he was insane, just who Shining needed to track down a psychopath.

Mr. Whooves current residence was in Ponyville, but Luna informed Shining that he was in Canterlot for the weekend. His location was unknown to Shining at the time. All he knew was that he would be in the background, seldom interacting with those around him.

Shining continued searching for him in the busiest parts of Canterlot. He was wearing his armor, a very articulate piece that was custom fitted to his body. Normal guard armor was gold, but an officer's armor was purple. Shining's in particular was modified for the best possible defense without sacrificing mobility. The end result: an armor that covered more of his body than an ordinary officer and was much more durable and lighter than any standard issue armor. There was a rumor going around that his armor was indestructible, which was not unfounded as it could take direct hits from a griffon war hammer wielded by one of their chieftains. Like all guard armor, it had some basic enchantments to help resist the elements. Shining did his personally and made them far stronger, making it able to resist some elemental spells.

It took half an hour of searching, before he spotted the pony in question. Once found, Shining made a beeline for the stallion, only to have him disappear from view. Swearing under his breath, Shining looked around. He saw the pony dip into an alley twenty meters away. Not taking another chance here, Shining sprinted towards the alley, knocking some of the elite around a bit.

He turned the corner seconds later only to find that the stallion had once again disappeared. Shining swore much more vocally this time, earning a glare from a passerby. Shining looked around the alley, finding a hobo with a camping cutie mark, but not the stallion he was looking for.

Having lost faith that this Mr. Whooves was in the alley, he turned around to see the stallion standing directly in front of him. This caused Shining to jump back a little bit in shock.

The brown pony had a completely serious face with a messed up brown mane and tired blue eyes. It looked as if he had stayed up all night thinking about something important. There was a couple seconds of silence before Shining asked his question, "Are you the stallion known as Mr. Whooves?"

The pony's eyes showed just a flicker of confusion before he chuckled. "So I'm a mister now eh? That's not new at all. Though it would be hard for them to come up with a new name for me but that's irrelevant. Anyway yes, I'm the Doctor. Some ponies decided to tack on that little bit at the end and it stuck, I'm still not sure why though. It doesn't even make sense, at least 'Who' sounded better."

Shining sighed inwardly, it was going to be one of those days with a pony that didn't make much sense. Great, it was like Twilight but worse. "Hey, are you or are you not a Mr. Whooves."

"Why yes I am, but I don't see why that is relevant-OH your that stallion that Luna said would be looking for me. Alright then you found me so what else is one the agenda for today?"

_This stallion is a few bits short of a paycheck_ "I need you to come with me, I'll tell you what is required of you on the way."

"Alright, but I don't see why you can't tell me here. I'm rather busy at the moment trying to build a... never mind it wouldn't work with hooves anyway. Might have to modify the design so that it does but that's beside the point anyway, lead the way. Pfft, anyway, lead the way ."

Shining needed to block out this stallion's crazy before he became infected with it too. Ignoring the random comment for this crazy stallion, Shining trotted over to the train station so he could leave for Ponyville.

"Did you remember to pack a towel?"

Shining stopped moving, turned to the stallion and said in a very irritated voice. "Why would I bring a towel?"

"Well you see, a towel had many purposes such as the one that most use them for, but they can be used as an insulator while grabbing something hot or cold. They can stop a leak in a ship. They can be used as a weapon if you know how. They can b-"

"No I did not bring a towel." The venom in Shining's words could be dangerous if it could be used as a weapon.

"Huh, bummer."

Shining waited for more, but none came. It was as if Celestia herself had bitch slapped this pony into submission. Without this distraction continuing for now, he boarded the train. Finding a seat was easy and as soon as he sat down, he fell asleep.

**One uneventful train ride later**

Shining's sleep was interrupted by a hoof poking him. Groaning, he opened his eyes to see the last thing that he ever wanted to see. The crazy pony that he had brought with him was really there and not a figment of his imagination.

"Wake up wake up wake up. It's time to leave."

Shining mumbled some form of thanks before standing up and walking out of the car and onto the station. The station itself was an extremely simple design, consisting of a loading/unloading dock that served for both passengers and freight. The only building was the ticket station and an overhang that was supposed to provide some shade. The ponies clearly weren't used to seeing a guardspony and they stared at him before going about their business.

The duo started walking towards the town square where they would start to look for the next recruit.

"So anyway, I never got your name."

"I'm Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard."

"Well I'm the Doctor. Some ponies call me Doctor Whooves, but really just Doctor is fine. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked, what are we doing exactly?"

"We're looking for a pegasus stallion with a black coat, orange eyes and a grey mane. His cutie mark his a storm cloud with lightning coming out. Goes by the name of Thunderlane."

"Alright then, so why are we looking for him and are there any others that I should keep my eyes open for?"

_That is the most rational thing that I have heard him say all day._ "Yes, a unicorn mare with a lime green coat, orange eyes and a mint and white mane. Her cutie mark is a Lyre and her name is Lyra. She is supposed to be our tracker and designated expert, of what I haven't a clue. Thunderlane is our scout for obvious reasons."

"Well that makes sense, maybe we should split up in order to find them. Nah they probably won't listen to me, it is best that you find them instead."

Shining pondered what his companion said. He didn't say anything for a couple of seconds. "If it isn't too much trouble to ask you, can you find them and bring them to the square. I have some personal business to take care of first."

"Okay, I understand. Just make sure that this business doesn't interfere with our unknown mission that I never agreed to help you with."

_Wait a second, if Steel is in the hospital then he might have saw what we are looking for. I should have the rest of the team listen in on his account of what happened._"Nevermind, I'll go and look for them."

"Alright then, why the sudden change of heart?"

"If all goes to plan, you'll find out."

"Anyway I guess we should start oh look there's Lyra."

Shining turned around, half expecting the pony in question to disappear as soon as he turned around. That was not the case. She was walking around with saddlebags on, probably getting groceries. He was amazed that he didn't see her earlier. Her nonchalant behavior coupled with her coloring reminded Shining that she was one of the bridesmaids for the fake Cadence.

_Okay, lets hope this isn't a changeling._

Shining started for her, making ponies stare at him and the closely following Doctor. Raising his voice, Shining called out to her. "Hey Lyra, I need you over here."

Lyra turned her head to see who said her name. When she saw Shining in his armor, she gulped. This wasn't the first time the guard had been looking for her. The last time was about the changeling invasion and they hadn't been too nice. Sucking up her slight fear, Lyra trotted over to the Captain. "Hey, what can I help you with."

_Finally, a pony who acts normal._ "Lyra Heartstrings, I am Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard."

Lyra's pupils shrank slightly when she heard his title. It had to be a big deal if the princesses decided to send a captain to Ponyville. "Is this about the attack on the guards last night?"

_So it wasn't Luna joking with me. Figured._ "Yes, I heard that you might now a thing or two about what attacked them. Care to share what you know?"

Lyra shook her head. "Sorry, but they haven't released any details to the public yet. I would be able to help if I had a description of what attacked them."

"What was it that attacked them anyway?" The Doctor asked.

"I don't know what it was or what it looks like, but I may know someone who does. Lyra, if I brought you with me to hear this, do you think that you could tell us what creature it was?"

Lyra shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not a biologist, but I'll do my best."

Shining let out another small sigh, a common theme that day. "Fine, come with me."

He started towards the hospital in hopes that some of the guards who were in the attack were there. The ponies in town kind of figured that he was there on official business and left him alone for the most part. The two ponies in tow talked some, but it wasn't enough to completely distract them from the business at hand.

The walk to the hospital was a short one, only a couple minutes. The building itself was one of the largest in Ponyville, consisting of a four-story building with the first floor consisting of the reception area, a cafeteria, and the stairs to the basement where the majority of the janitorial supplies were kept as well as the boiler. The boiler was a new invention that could substitute magic in order to power the lighting of the hospital. Boilers were noisy and you could hear this one from a hundred feet from the hospital, so it was used as a backup power supply in case things got bad or there was a blowout in the generator again. Magic generators were powered by using crystals grown in areas that had large amounts of latent magic. The generators themselves weren't that efficient, finicky about the size of crystal used, and had a tendency to break. Specifically the flux capacitor, which was an expensive part that was extremely fragile. They were tailored to the specific machine and had to be specially made individually.

The interior of the building was bland. White walls and simple potted plants were the only thing of notice to the trio as they entered the building.

The receptionist, a white earth pony with a red cross for a cutie mark, figured that they were here for the guards. "The Lieutenant is in the second story, room 222. The rest are in ICU on the third floor," she said with only a glance at them before returning to work.

They walked up the stairs and followed the signs in the hospital to the room. No conversation was had as the oppressive feeling of the hospital choked the need from all of them. The door was guarded by a ragged looking mare in a private's armor. She was smaller than most and her mane was unkept and too long for guard standards. The same went with her tail. The guard let them into the room wordlessly, knowing exactly why they were here. Lyra waved at the guard and tried to get a response for a couple of seconds before giving up and trotting back to the group.

The pony in the room, a large grey unicorn stallion, looked up from his book 'Zen and the Art of Seduction' and smiled. "Shiny, its about time you paid me a visit. And you brought company, you're too kind."

Lyra and The Doctor giggled at the nickname, Shining just rolled his eyes. "Can it kid, this is official business so lets get this over as soon as possible so I don't have to stare at your ugly mug longer than I have to."

The pony put his hoof over his chest and dawned a shocked expression. "Shiny, I'm hurt. Truly. Why would the princesses send you of all ponies to check up on me, a lonely Lieutenant with no friends?"

Shining was losing is patience with his old friend, something that seldom happened. However, with the lack of sleep combined with dealing with eccentric personalities, the Captain had grown weary of these games. "Lieutenant Steel, this isn't a social visit so I recommend that you keep this semi-formal. Now, tell Miss. Heartstrings here what happened."

The Lieutenant cleared his throat. "I prepared a standard breaching formation with three pegasi watching the back in case of an escape attempt. When we breached the door, I charged into the middle of the room. It was empty. Then I looked up the staircase and saw this, this _thing_ grinning as it threw what I thought was a rock at our team. I was about to shout at it, but then something exploded. I take it that it was the thing it threw at us. I was knocked down from the blast and was about to stand to pursue it, but I couldn't stand due to a shrapnel wound from the blown-up door. When I looked up again, all I could see was it running away."

Shining listened carefully throughout the entire debrief. "Hmm, can you describe what the thing looked like?"

Lyra scooted forward in order to hear better. "The thing was bipedal, a little shorter than Princess Celestia. It looked like a mammal, but it didn't have any hair, save for some on it's head. It wore some sort of clothing, probably to stay warm. It had some sort of utility belt that had some stuff on it, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it. That's all I know about it. I only got a couple seconds to look at it."

Shining Armor was curious, having never heard of such a creature before. The Doctor had a solemn look on his face as he pondered what this could mean. Lyra was the most unique with her expression. Her eyes held a manic look in them, she had a huge smile on her face and looked like she was about to explode.

"A-a human?" Lyra suggested, barely able to contain herself.

"Yes." The Doctor said. "And a real nasty one at that. We need to move quickly if we don't want any more victims to start to appear."

Shining was lost. "I'm lost, can you fill me in?"

The Doctor nodded. "We'll bring you up to speed on the way to the Ponyville Weather Center."

**Thirty Minutes Later**

The trio were standing outside of the Ponyville Weather Center. It was getting late and they had hoped to catch up with Thunderlane before he left. Lyra and The Doctor had brought Shining Armor up to speed. Shining Armor, for all of his strength and maturity, looked like he had just shit himself in the middle of his own wedding. Lyra had mostly rumors, Shining could tell that much. What he found interesting was that The Doctor knew a lot about them and their technology, something that any regular pony would've never came up with if it was a lie.

Once inside, Shining pulled himself together and walked up to the receptionist, a grey-blue pegasus with a well-kept sky blue mane and purple eyes. "Hello Miss, I'm here to see Thunderlane."

The pegasus sighed and stood up. "Come with me."

Following her towards the back, they could hear some noises. As they approached a broom closet, it was clear that two ponies were having more fun than they should at the workplace. Lyra giggled at the moaning, Shining blushed, and The Doctor rolled his eyes.

The receptionist slammed her hoof on the door twice. "Thunderlane, get off my sister. You have visitors. Cloudchaser, you know better than this."

A minute passed before the door opened up and a pegasus that was identical to the receptionist, only with a messed up mane and coat came out of the room with a happy look on her face. Following her was a black pegasus with a grey mohawk and orange eyes that said 'I fucked your sister last night.' He radiated swagger and knew it too.

Thunderlane looked at his visitors. "What's up?"

Shining let a small smile come to his face. _At least this one is predictable_ "Thunderlane, your being temporarily conscripted as a scout while we launch an investigation about the recent attack on a contingency of guards."

Shining doubted that Thunderlane knew what half of those words meant, but he understood that he was being forced to be a guard. His once normal demeanor was replaced with anger and fear. "Man I ain't no soldier-boy. Get 'Big' Mac if you want help.

Shining was loving every second of this deadbeat's misery. "Kid, your fast. We need somepony who can move without getting caught. Get in, get out, you know what I'm saying?"

Thunderlane took this wrong. "I'm not fast, get Rainbow Dash if you like 'em like that. And they always know when I'm in."

Shining facehoofed. "We need somepony who can fly really fast and not get caught doing so. I'm pretty sure you have experience doing that. Oh, and we'll pay you."

Thunderlane brightened up. "Why didn't you just say so? I'm game."

Shining explained the situation in a way Thunderlane could understand. It involved mares, sex, money, gang-banging, and 'offing' ponies. Shining was pretty sure that he lost a few brains cells in the conversation. What surprised him was that this didn't deter Thunderlane's enthusiasm in the slightest. If anything, it encouraged him.

"Okay," Shining started. "I need a place to stay. Can any of you help?"

The Doctor shook his head. Thunderlane was about to say something, but a glare from Shining silenced him.

Lyra offered him a place at her house, which Shining accepted gratefully. After telling the others to meet them at Fluttershy's cottage at dawn, they all went their separate directions.

"Hey Shining, why don't you stay with your sister?"

Shining thought for a moment. It was a good question. "Because she'll wonder why I'm in town and if she finds out about my investigation then she will want to tag along. I don't want her to get into any trouble. The less she knows, the better."

Lyra nodded her head in agreement. "I can see why, Twilight has a tendency to over react and this is something she really has to be careful with."

"Then why were you so excited about hearing that this was a human?"

Lyra sighed. "I find them fascinating and I've always really wanted to see one. Even after what The Doctor said, I still want to. A lot of ponies think I'm weird for believing that they're real..."

Shining looked at her with interest. "And?"

Lyra looked away. "It's a little too personal, sorry. Anyway, we're here."

Shining looked up at the building. There wasn't much different about it than the surrounding buildings, but even so, this building was still unique in it's own ways.

Lyra unlocked the door and held it open with her magic. "I don't have a guest room, so you'll have to sleep on the couch I'm afraid."

Shining shrugged it off. "It's fine, thank you for your hospitality."

"No problem."

Shining didn't take in any features of the house, rather he was tired from today and knew that Luna would want an update. He flopped down on the tan couch and fell asleep instantly.

**Authors Note:**

So here is where he stopped writing the story, and where I take over!


End file.
